


Memento Mori

by deltachye



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Altissia (Final Fantasy XV) Spoilers, Diary/Journal, F/M, Kinda, Reader-Insert, he's breaking my heart i've never loved a man so deeply, ignis documents his crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:20:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 6,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25039897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deltachye/pseuds/deltachye
Summary: [reader x ignis scientia | ignis pov]"Remember death".
Relationships: Ignis Scientia/Reader
Comments: 5
Kudos: 64





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i think i could spend an entire day talking about him and not be finished.
> 
> i wanted to try something different.. watching him note down recipes inspired me to put my hand to a "show don't tell" kind of storytelling. being locked into his journal and not getting to use dialogue or exposition for writing was a good exercise.
> 
> also, i'm in love with him. fyi.

**[The journal is bound in black leather, aged, warped with the dramatic weathering of water and sun. There’s a hefty weight to it despite its unassuming size. It must be familiar to somebody, if not to you—the book’s well-used, pages dog-eared with the corners of papers attached with what look to be paperclips. There is no name to identify it in the cover, though a faded, crooked signature scrawled in the near-end pages identifies the owner.**

**Ignis Scientia.]**


	2. Chapter 2

Tomorrow, we’ll have left to accompany Prince Noctis to his wedding with Lady Lunafreya in Altissia. It’ll be a long journey ahead of us… though I imagine full of adventure. 

Noct’s friend Prompto (Argentum) has joined the Crownsguard in the nick of time. He still seems unsure, though I have faith in his training. Gladiolus of House Amicitia is with us also, as will be a member of the Aurea family ([Name]). Although I am obviously well acquainted with the first two, I’ve yet to know [Name] well. She is however already close with Noctis, seeing as the Aureas are pioneers of Lucian medicine, and thus have earnt a rightful closeness with the royal lineage as healers. I’ve heard of their services, though I’ve yet to meet any of them. It’s a relief to have a healing specialist with us.

We managed to speak briefly before departing. She seems to be the quieter type of person, and I dare say she’ll fare well amongst the group.

I wonder if she will have a hard time adapting to a foursome of men.  
_Note: Prompto — sausage party??_

I have to admit I’m excited to embark.. like a child on a field trip. It is, of course, an urgent matter of high political importance. Though it’s not every day you get to travel the lands with your friends.

We’ll see what’s in store.


	3. Chapter 3

The Regalia drives smoother than I could have dreamt. Amongst the retinue, I’ve decided to take up being the designated driver of sorts. Noct is reckless at best. I can’t stop him, though handing him the wheel makes me ……..ill. Can’t say anything better for the others. [Name] didn’t seem all too eager, either. Though I don’t mind.

Apparently, Prompto had called shotgun (something of the sort). Though he felt bad enough to offer it up, [Name] wasn’t interested in taking the seat. I’ve no doubt it must be uncomfortable wedged between Noct and Gladio, so I wish she’d accept his offer.

After some conversation I’m increasingly pleased to have her company in the group. Finally, there’s somebody who truly appreciates the creative expanses of cooking rather than just eating! I’d misjudged her character; she isn’t weak, and has a strong resolve and personality. She does just fine with the others and doesn’t seem to be shy. I needn’t have wor

****

**[In the margins, there are scribbled pen-marks, though only the depressions show with no ink. In the next line, the colour of ink changes from blue to black, and the lines are sharper with less smudging.]**

[Name] gave me this pen to replace my old one. I didn’t want to accept her gift, but she insisted I’d have more use of it than her. It’s oddly nice, and luxuriously pleasant to write with, which worries me. I hope it’s not an heirloom of sorts or special to her. I wonder—why bring a pen like this on a road trip if you weren’t intending to use it?

I’ll be sure to take better care of it than usual in the case she asks for it back.


	4. Chapter 4

_Note: keep a closer eye on the Regalia’s gas tank. To be pushing a legendary vehicle on the highway as a member of a royal entourage is humiliating, to say the least._

****

**[Fiscal expenses are tallied in hasty writing. It appears to total in the negatives, the figures aggressively circled.]**

We arrived in Hammerhead… finally. The Regalia will be fixed shortly. In the meantime, I’ve advised Noct of our lacking financial situation. I’m sure we’ll find the odd job to stabilize our income. Not that there’s a choice… 


	5. Chapter 5

We had a scuffle with beasts on the outskirts of the outpost. Nothing serious occurred, though it seems like [Name] was shaken up. She didn’t seem right after.

She’d never seen a fight before, only ever participating in training sims or treating patients in hospital. It’s understandable to be alarmed after an event like that. She expressed concerns about holding the group back, though I assured her it’s not the case. Although her combat ability is lacking, if she has any at all, the resources she provides far outweighs any costs. 

I’ll have to have a conversation with the others about keeping an eye out for her during battles. If she can’t hold her own, we’ll merely have to protect her. I’m sure they will agree.


	6. Chapter 6

We’ve made camp at a haven. We’re fortunate to have Gladio’s expertise in survival. He’d pitched the tent and started a fire in no time at all.

[Name] still seems to hold residual guilt _?_ over yesterday. It was obvious she was hopeful to establish her “usefulness” by offering her help in any way she could. I admit I was hesitant to allow her to help me with the meal, as I’ve never had an assistant while cooking before. But she was ~~surprisingly~~ highly capable. Apparently, she cooked a lot at home. It was nice to share in the work with somebody, though I hope she doesn’t overwork herself over these feelings. Nobody blames her, but I’m not sure how to best convey that. She has a good heart, but it’s dangerous thinking that could lead to burnout.

She showed me a new technique. Already knowing Noct’s aversion to vegetables, she suggested we grate Aegir root into the gratin in order to mask the taste. It worked like a charm. I’d never thought of it nor have I seen him clean a plate of it without complaint.

**[The following recipe is jotted down in the margins.]**

\- Leiden potato  
\- Wild onion  
\- Aegir root


	7. Chapter 7

None of the boats are running at GC’s ports. Pity, but we seem to have spare time to kill after running a favour for Dino the reporter. (It went without much mishap, though he seems to be quite the interesting figure.)

Noct seemed antsy to fish, and seeing as we have little else to do, there’s no reason to deny him his favourite hobby. Gladio’s also taken up this time to train, citing the sand as a good medium. I suppose I’ll continue with my novel.

Scratch that. Prompto’s restlessness got to the better of me, and I agreed to chauffeur him around to take photographs just so that he’d be quiet. Noct and Gladio stayed behind on the beach, so it was just Prompto, [Name], and I. I must admit it felt odd to leave my charge behind, even if he was with Gladio. After all, I’ve spent all this time training to be his right-hand man. Is it strange that a few hours away feels criminal?

Though it was nice to do nothing but drive around. The weather and scenery of GC is beautiful. Prompto had his hands full with photo ops. He was so distracted for once that he was silent, busying over his camera. So, I spoke mostly with [Name].

We connect so well it’s almost eerie. She offered me a can of coffee; the brand? Ebony. I’d accept nothing less. And, on the radio, the classics were playing. I thought to change them, wondering if the younger people in my company might find it boring, but she enjoys that kind of music also. I’d worried ~~she~~ they’d find me ‘old fashioned’, so it was a relief. 

It was nice. I ought to take breaks like this more often. Noct had caught a great number of fish when we got back, so dinner will most likely be filets for the next … week?

**[Attached to the back of the page are two photographs. One depicts a trio, pointing goofily to a strange rock formation. The second is of a young woman, mid-laugh. There’s a tear in it, and it’s twisted, like it was forcibly pulled out of somebody’s grasp. This photo is more secretively tucked away as if being hidden, or protected.]**


	8. Chapter 8

King Regis has passed.

Could I have done something? It seems like only a few days ago I last spoke with him. The invasion of Insomnia hardly seems real. Noct wants to see it for himself, as do I. I just can’t believe the Niflheim Empire overthrew Lucis so easily.

Though I can... the King was a father, first. I can sympathize as to why he’d send us off with a smile like that. 

Still, the anxiety gnaws at me. 

Noctis is distraught, as can be expected. There is little I can say that he wants to hear at the moment. I wish there was more I could do for him. Not as an advisor, but as a friend. 

Gladio and Prompto are grim, but [Name]’s taken it especially poorly. Her tears were inconsolable, though I can’t imagine it will be any easier for her any time soon. There is no news out of Lucis and we can’t contact anybody. She’s been unable to reach any of her family. 

I did my best to comfort her, but it felt inadequate. It pains me that she had to pity me and give me a fake smile so that I would feel better. I don’t know what I can do for her. 

It’s frustrating to be unable to help those you care for. I can only hope things are resolved once we confirm the rumours for ourselves. 

_Note: look into the Aureas status ASAP._


	9. Chapter 9

The Marshal (Cor the Immortal) explained the royal tombs to Noctis, and I must admit (and I am not proud) about how FASCINATING it is to see lore come alive before my very eyes. It’s downright geeky I know. It’s also hardly important, seeing as Noctis now bears the weight of the King of Kings. It’s unfair how quickly everything is happening, but this is what we - I trained for.

Witnessing him take on the power of his ancestor was unlike anything I’d ever seen before. The weapon impaled him, and I was sure he’d died, but it was merely old magic erupting in a shower of blue light. I still can’t believe it!!! Though it’s not like I can fanboy about this in front of him..

The others don’t know as much about the lore as I do, which is only fair. [Name] seemed interested in it though, asking questions that I was only all too happy to answer. As a fellow scholar, she understands the value of knowledge. I hope I’m not boring her.

I must ask her to share her own information on medicinal studies. 

We march onwards in the hope to acquire more power. We will need it if we have any hope of taking back our homeland.


	10. Chapter 10

Today we made a detour at Wiz Chocobo Farm. After some clean-up we rented out a couple of the birds ourselves. Riding is much harder than it seems, though I was able to steady myself with some practice. They’re lovely creatures. Prompto and Noct are naturally gifted, and even Gladio maneuvers well despite all that mass. However, [Name] struggled… immensely.. it’s only too unfortunate Prompto didn’t get a picture of her falling off the tail end.

(She was okay. Though we all had a good laugh at her expense.)

It feels like one of those days that’s arbitrary, but you won’t forget. There were good memories formed today. 

It’s hard to get a good night’s sleep on the road. Sitting for extended periods is killing my back. Does Gladio snore? He denies it, but it’s definitely him.


	11. Chapter 11

We rendezvoused with Iris in Lestallum. It’s good to see her well after her escape from the CC. Monica and Dustin do good work. She looks just like her brother and it’s hard to believe she’s grown up so quickly. I still remember when she was only as tall as my waist.

Lestallum is far removed from the CC. It’s hard to believe we’re on the same planet. Noct seems a fish out of water greeting everybody; it’s painfully awkward to watch, albeit amusing. I find it refreshing to have a city populace so exceedingly outgoing. It restores hope that things will be all right, even during the Empire’s invasion.

We finished a hunt (no casualties), and alongside our payment the tipster rewarded us with a bottle of fine local wine. Minus Iris, who’s underage, it was nice to partake in social drinking. Though it’s downright odd to see Noct, somebody I’ve known since before he can even remember, drink alcohol. He’s a lightweight, though he’s loath to admit it.

I write this now in the balcony of our hotel room, airing out. It’d been a while and I’d forgotten my… boundaries? Limits? I wouldn’t say I’m drunk, but Gladio edges people on like there’s no tomorrow. I probably should’ve stopped a while ago.

Prompto doesn’t get any quieter when inebriated. He’s in fact worse. I will never forget the mortification of what he said:

P: [Name], out of all of us here, who would you rather be with the most?  
[Name]: I’m not answering that!  
G: You can just reject him to his face. It’s OK.

Even now, the shame burns…

She never did say. Is it bad to be curious of the answer?

She has an intense red flush when drinking. Quite ~~prett-~~ I ought to check on her to make sure she’s hydrated. And Noct, for he might be asleep face down in water.


	12. Chapter 12

Lestallum and the Cleigne region are unbearably sultry. Thank all the gods that the Regalia’s a convertible. I’ve decided that warm weather just isn’t for me. Besides Noct and [Name], the others disagree. I assume their outfits play into it.

[Name] especially mentioned that she doesn’t do well in the heat, and she does seem sluggish. I hope she’ll be more alert in the case danger strikes. She wears her hair tied back now, something I’ve not yet seen of her. She and Iris get along well.

We’re touring around for a media mogul named Vyv. I write this at a stop while Prompto shoots the disc of Cauthess. 

She complained my driving was “too careful” today. I’m sure I was driving as usual. Note to self: she NEVER touches the wheel.


	13. Chapter 13

Obtaining the next power of the tomb was haggard to say the least. The dungeon was one of the most dangerous by far. We took a beating, to be quite honest.

Today I witnessed the full power of the Aureas. I’ve learnt enough first aid to patch something up, but [Name] goes beyond that. Her healing is beyond this world. It’s totally holistic. She knows rites I’ve never once heard of in all of my studies. I would love to learn them myself, but I assume they’re sacred arts protected by the Aurea bloodline. No wonder they’re touted as the frontrunners of medicine. In no time I was completely back on my feet like nothing had happened at all. Not a single bruise, scratch, ache, or scar.

The process was intimate. It’s far different to what support she offers in the field, quick-administering elixirs and magical barriers and the sort. It requires skin to skin contact (apparently), and thus I had to take my shirt off for her. (It feels strange to write about it, but I’m obliged by habit to document.) It was almost like a massage, but felt somehow deeper, like she was pulling energy through my body. It wasn’t uncomfortable, though having her hands on my skin is… indescribable. 

The others received the same treatment. Even Noct, who despises people touching him. Though he complained, she made him right as rain..

It feels counter-productive for me to hide something from my own journaling. I might as well just say it: why is it that I feel wrong when I see her touch the others?

It’s purely professional. I already know that. But something makes my skin crawl when she .. leans over them like that. When she touches me it feels just as…__… intense? But more pleasant. My thoughts are a mess on it.

Perhaps I’ve adopted a protective older brother syndrome from watching Gladio and Iris. In any case, it’s odd. It had better resolve itself.


	14. Chapter 14

It rained all day. Even now, it’s pouring. The tent had better not give, though the canvas sounds like it’s on its last legs. I wouldn’t even be surprised if it did.

Noct insisted we push on for the frog hunt, despite poor visibility. It’s not as if I wear glasses. Or that our clothes are not waterproof. Who am I but a humble servant to the Prince??? Miserable. The Slough is MISERABLE.

****

**[The word miserable is underlined several times.]**

As embarrassing enough as it is to transcribe the events, my hair did not survive the weather. The others did not pass up the chance to comment. [Name] said it was quote unquote “nice”, though I could tell she was holding back a laugh.

Absolutely bloody MISERABLE.

I’ve got to take my jacket back from her later. I loaned it, as the rain was seeping into her clothes. Although we all wear black in honour and pride of Lucis, the idea of fabric becoming .. transparent.. or clinging onto a female body. seems unsafe. 

Wringing everything out will be a nightmare. I’m going straight to bed.


	15. Chapter 15

I have no idea how Prompto blew our savings, but we only had enough gil for a single motel room instead of the usual two. It was even a stretch to afford more than one bed. I am going to kill him.

Today’s room scenario is fraught with problems. We should have just camped at a haven—though on second thought my back may not survive another night on the rocks.

Two twin beds, one couch, five people. The floor is disgusting, so that was ruled out quickly enough. Gladio offered to take the couch first, though I don’t know why he even bothered bringing it up seeing as the couch is half his size. [Name], the smallest, tried for it also, but that was quickly vetoed. She’d been working herself to the bone trying to keep the rest of us on her feet, so we all agreed she at least should have a bed. 

Then Gladio… oh, I’ll kill him too. Why not? It’ll be a bloody murder spree. 

The implication that she ought to share a bed with _me_ because I’m “the most boring” + “the least likely to try something”. Excuse me? I am but a man, am I not??? Normally when we take rooms, she gets a single bedded one to herself. And when we set up camp she has her own tent. It’s the first time she’s had to ~~sleep with~~ share a room with any of us. Just how emasculated do they see me? Am I meant to be flattered?

I didn’t have any time to object. Noct’s already passed out onto the couch. Figures as he’s able to fall asleep anywhere. 

“Sorry if I kick you in my sleep or something” she’d said. Shyly. Like SHE should be sorry for anything. I’m camping in the bathroom, but it’s not like I can hide here forever. 

This is juvenile of me. It means nothing.

I didn’t sleep at all. I needn’t explain why. I can’t think about it any longer. I’ve already thought enough for a lifetime.

There is no Ebony. 

I am going to go mental.


	16. Chapter 16

Noct: Grilled wild barramundi, Moth.&Child Rice bowl, Memory Lane cake, GM’s schnitzel salad  
Gladio: Skewers (prairie-style), skewered trout (wild)  
Prom: peppery daggerquill rice, meldacio meat pie, spicy long-bone rib steak  
[Nickname]: 

I finally learnt [Name]’s favourite food. She’s been avoidant about it, always telling me ‘anything is fine’ or ‘anything you make is my favourite’. Flattering, but I’ve always wanted to know. It was driving me up the wall. I finally found out by chance today. We walked past somebody eating it, and the way her face lit up, I knew immediately. 

She said it was embarrassing to like a food like that, but I don’t see why. Everybody has their own tastes. I’d like to make it for her at camp the next time we set up. It’ll have to be perfect, but I hope to surprise her.

****

**[Filling the next few pages are several scribbled iterations of what looks to be the same recipe, marked out and heavily revised. There was an intensive thought process. The apparent final edition is written in especially neat cursive, far more careful than the haphazard notes beforehand.]**


	17. Chapter 17

Noct’s been having headaches and visions. We believe it’s connected to Titan, but the pain he’s in is almost debilitating at times. Even [Name] can’t seem to relieve them as they come and go without warning.

She’s incredibly frustrated about it. I know the feeling. I feel powerless, too. I can’t stand to see him in pain like this. But she’s done all she can, so now it’s up to the rest of us to resolve this. Forwards, ever forwards…


	18. Chapter 18

****

**[The following entry is crooked, with overlapping lines, as if written in the dark.]**

I knew not to trust Ardyn .Unfortunately we were left with no choice. Noct thankfully received the blessing, —currently in Ardyn’s magitek engine w no Regalia h,owever everybody is safe which is most important of all ..W.ill document more thoroughly upon safe landin_g-. 


	19. Chapter 19

I can’t help but worry that walking on foot is wearing down the party. The only one who seems unaffected is Gladio and.. he’s Gladio. Perhaps we should ask [Name] to wait for us instead of trudging along after us. She’s got less stamina and the toll all the legwork is taking on her is starting to show. Even with the aid of Chocobo, it can’t be easy. She’s not a warrior. She never has been. She’s put on a brave face that’s good enough for the others, but I worry…

Cindy called. The Regalia’s been located, though unfortunately (and expected) it’s in an Imperial base. No choice but to retrieve. Hopefully sooner rather than later.


	20. Chapter 20

The High Chancellor and High Commander. The coincidences are starting to seem highly sinister.

More positively, it is astounding to see the prince grow into his role as king. The others are strong, too. I’ve no doubt now that we will reclaim our home.

[Name]—I hardly remember how she used to look so ghastly after a run in with Reapertrails. Now she doesn’t flinch in the face of Magitek Assassins. Gladio’s training is paying off, it seems. She has a natural affinity to elemancy, well versed in magic already, and has become an invaluable offensive force. There’s nothing I feel but immense pride. I feel as if I am with my brothers. And her. Not as a sister, but more so as a companion. 

In any case I am glad.


	21. Chapter 21

She nearly died today.

I couldn’t get to her in time; I was too far. I just watched her fall. Luckily, she had phoenix down on her, but what if she didn’t? I can’t even bear to think.

Perhaps it wasn’t best practice to ask if she was okay. She may be feeling smothered. Gladio and Prompto and I, and even Noct, haven’t exactly given her breathing space following that fiasco. We fled once realizing we were in over our heads, but the scars remain. She never should’ve been hurt like that. I just wanted to know if she was feeling lasting trauma, but she told me to leave her alone and stormed off.

I don’t think I should leave her alone, though.

I was right. When I followed after, she was crying. I thought, naively, that she was frightened after her near-death experience. It’s not the first for the rest of us, nor will it be the last, but each time, it’s dreadful. The phoenix down burns, doing nothing for the agonizing pain. No battle is safe, but I still wouldn’t wish the experience upon my worst enemy.

But she snapped at me. “I hate myself for being a burden to you all”.

I apologized. For not being there, for not protecting her, for not guiding her properly… yet she seemed confused. Asked me why **I** was saying sorry to **her**. She shouldn’t have to ask why I care about her, right?

I know I should give her space. But even now I’m fighting myself to go check on her. Console her. There’s something about her that draws me. But I can only hope she comes to me when she’s ready, instead of me forcing myself onto her. 

In any case I’m glad she’s all right. I can’t let that happen again. I won’t.


	22. Chapter 22

We accepted Dave’s request to find a tag, though we didn’t realize just how… traumatizing the bestiary we were to face was going to be.

These daemons had a sort of toxin. Magenta in colour, acridly odorous (sour, foul), and hallucinogenic. I believe it manifests as your worst fear.

Gladio was the first. He suddenly ran off in the middle of battle, dropping his sword. Uncharacteristic; we knew something was wrong right away. I tried to stop him, figuring he’d gone mad, but his eyes were that of a beast. He believed that Iris was calling for him, apparently. He kept howling for her even though she was nowhere nearby. 

Prompto was also brought to his knees, weeping and cowering over something. Noct also. 

At that point I should’ve known not to inhale the fumes, but it was too late. I saw it too. Images, like ghosts, but horrific enough all the same—it’s already difficult enough to re-experience it, writing it. The nausea turns my stomach, but I .. envisioned all three of my closest companions, dead on the ground. I remember trying to hold [Name]’s corpse in my arms. It felt too real.

We defeated the monsters after [Name] managed to clear our heads with some modified remedy. But there was very little conversation on our way back to the rest point.

We all knew it wasn’t real, but it scarred us like it was. I don’t even know what Noct and Prompto saw. If it was anything like my own vision, it must be haunting them still. They’re both oddly quiet.

[Name] apparently had seen a vision also. Somehow, she worked through the panic to concoct that potion for us. We owe everything to her. I wanted to ask her what she saw. Why? Maybe because I had seen her in my own worst nightmare? But I didn’t have the courage, so I let it go.

I just spoke to her in her room. She described her vision to me. The agony and grief weighing on her broke my heart. It was all I could do to share an embrace with her, though I wonder if it was more comforting for her, or for.. me.

I never want to see anything like that again. I will do what I must. Whatever it takes to keep those precious to me safe from harm.


	23. Chapter 23

I have never once lost my composure the way I did this afternoon.

To briefly recap, [Name] was hounded by these “men” at the diner. We hadn’t noticed, busy speaking w/ Takka. She was politely turning them down before one of them laid a hand on her. It was like I’d lost all sense. I’d never felt so hot or disgusted.

They experienced the wrath of four trained Crownsguard. Perhaps overkill to require [Name] to heal her very own assailants, but is it evil of me to experience no regret over my actions?

She seemed a little shaken up by the ordeal, as is expected. Gladio especially was upset about it. Perhaps he sees Iris in her? Prompto’s just taken her out to distract her mood. I hope her smile returns with her when they come back to base. She deserves to feel safe. I hope she does around us.


	24. Chapter 24

Jared Hester’s passing hit everybody hard. I think Noct felt a rather personal responsibility. Not to mention that he was a retainer of Gladio & Iris’ family. 

I have to wonder if [Name] ought to leave the party.

It’s not that she’s incompetent. But she’s a kind soul, and she’s not suited for the constant grief that seems to follow our cursed group around. I would hate for her to see more loss.

After speaking with her, I felt something odd. I saw myself in her.

It was difficult to bring up, but I finally asked if she wanted to stay, for it would be quite all right if she decided not to. But she told me she was duty-bound. Even while crying, she looked so …__.. strong that I was fully taken aback. She’s got a stubbornness, but it’s founded in faith. I admire that about her. She’ll be fine, I believe. 

We’ll have to set up a memorial for Jared upon reaching Cape Caem. [Name] and Iris were discussing it and it’s only proper. I doubt the others will object. Secure a service?


	25. Chapter 25

We are currently in Cape Caem after a day’s travel. Gladio insisted Iris come along with our party. Since the Regalia only seats five, we had to make awkward adjustments for the group of six.

She sat on her older brother’s lap the entire time, which made us feel sorry, to say the last. She took it in stride, but there was no helping the guilt. As is a gentleman’s duty to ensure the comfort of the ladies around him.. but there wasn’t helping it.

But Prompto. Gods above… 

P: Noct should drive.  
Everybody: Why?  
P: So Iris can have a break.  
Me: Whatever do you mean? (naively)   
P: [Name] can sit on your lap, then!

Prompto is welcome to hang off the back of the Regalia next time. 

What struck me most was how adamantly [Name] abhorred the thought, even if it was a joke. Does she hate the idea so much?

Not that it’d ever happen as I’d never allow it, of course. My own childish overthinking of it, however, seemed to stiffen my driving. Will need to ask Cindy to touch up the Regalia.


	26. Chapter 26

****

**[This entry is littered with dots along the lettering, as if the writer left the pen on the page to bleed while deep in thought.]**

Gladiolus undertook a personal quest. I can only wish him well for it, and for safe return.

Now that we are down a man, our strength is severely crippled. Noct and I and Prompto are capable fighters, but the loss of his broadsword was well-apparent. I hope [Name] can keep up with the increased injury we are sustaining.

Aranea Highwind, the commodore we had encountered earlier, is accompanying us to obtain mythril. I still don’t trust Ardyn, but we are left with little choice but to play along. 

[Name] seems especially skittish around her. Aranea likes to poke fun at her and Prompto, and I sorely wish she wouldn’t. 

We are currently waiting for nightfall so that the dungeon will open. Noct and Prompto have fallen asleep, [Name] soon after. To kill time, we’d looked at the constellations, which are ever clearer here than they ever have been in the Cr. City. She seemed knowledgeable about them, though what I felt was most attractive was how passionate she seemed to be about it. 

She seems to miss Gladio most of all, vocalizing it. I wasn’t sure what to say. She seems like she really misses him. Moreso than normal?

I hate to admit it, but am I jealous of him?

That’s enough for tonight.


	27. Chapter 27

Aranea is a strong ally. I’m grateful to be on her side this time. The dragon was a difficult opponent, and we only just barely escaped. 

It’s times like these that I’m ever thankful for [Name]. It feels secure, knowing that should anything happen to me, Noct and the others will be in safe hands. I don’t like to think about what happens after my death, but having her there makes me feel more at ease.


	28. Chapter 28

I overheard a conversation by accident while we retired in Galdin Quay.

The others were playing cards long into the night in [Name]’s room as the table in ours suffered a wobbly leg. I was passing by the door when I heard my name.

G: Iggy isn’t an affectionate kind of guy.  
N: He’s a busybody.  
P: He tries to mother everybody.  
[Name]: So why doesn’t he call the rest of you things like ‘my dear’?

I never even realized I had. How often? What else have I said that I’ve forgotten? It was mortifying. I must be more cautious of how I speak to her. She’d never said anything, probably too awkward to bring up how I’ve made her uncomfortable. Shame on me.. It had me wondering what she calls the rest of us. She calls Noctis “Noctis”, Prompto “Prom” at times I believe. Always “Gladio”, as he doesn’t often use his full name. I don’t really remember the last time she’s called my name. Was it just Ignis or Iggy? Am I confusing the others? Does it even matter?

What a headache. Though I’m not inclined to partake in her services for this one.


	29. Chapter 29

After a long journey, we are finally on the ship boarding to the Accordo Protectorate. 

We had a meaningful discussion. We spoke about all that we’d lost and gained. It was valuable, I think, to show each other our vulnerabilities. I learnt much about my companions that I will cherish for life.

[Name] spoke about how we lost our home in Insomnia but have a new home with each other. It resonated with me deeply. I think for me, who has never really FELT like I’ve had a ‘home’, she’s right. It doesn’t matter where we are as long as we are together. Noctis seemed comforted by it also.

It’s times like these where I wonder what fate has in store for me. She was actually never supposed to come, only asked by King Regis to accompany us on the day of our departure. If she was never asked to come along, how different would our journey be?

I for one am thankful she’s here.


	30. Chapter 30

Altissia is a fantastic city on the sea. We have some spare time before we must rdvz w/ the Oracle. We spent the day and night exploring. Noct and Prompto ran around like free-spirited brats, and even Gladio seems at ease. The streets are mazes. It’s fascinating.

[Name] seems to enjoy it here. When boarding a ferry, she mentioned passingly that it was romantic here. I must say I agree.. the candlelight, classic architecture, and overall whimsy of the environment lends much to that atmosphere.

I wonder.. no, I might as well be honest to myself, and secure it in writing:

Do I have feelings for her ?

**[The rest of the page has lines written at all different angles, as if hastily jotted in as afterthoughts. The writing carries obvious emotion in its aggressive scrawl: frustration.]**

It would never happen.

How long has it been like this? My thoughts always come back to her. I can’t allow that to happen. I’m the Royal Advisor—how can I afford to dilly-dally over a crush? My head must remain clear.

I’ve tried to let it go already. It’s never worked. Why not? What am I doing wrong?

What could I ever say? It’s not my right to change our dynamic, especially when it might shatter the group. I have learnt to be selfless. I’ll be okay. But it doesn’t feel that way.

\- Sea bass filet  
\- Tenebrean oak  
 _Maagho_

It is my own selfishness. There would be days, if we were together (purely hypothetical) that I’d have to put the King before her. How could I ever do that to her? It’s not right for her to be with somebody like me. By my name I’ve laid down my life to Noctis. It wouldn’t be fair for her. As if she returns these trifling feelings—if anything, most women are attracted to Gladio. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was one of them. There’s nothing about me that’d appeal.

Writing this out isn’t helping.

Prompto caught a picture of me gawking over her. I managed to get him to delete it with copious violent threats before she saw. I need to be more careful.

Dreamt that she said she wanted to be with me. Woke up with all these.. emotions. How foolish.

**[The end of the page has something written with more finality in the corner.]**

I’ve come to terms: I will be content with just being her friend. It’s the right thing to do, and if we are never to be together, I would be happier knowing her as just this than ever hurting her. To ask for more would be a betrayal or needless greed. For now, as long as I can see her smile, I will be happy. It puts me at peace.

Tomorrow is the day of the rite. Lots to be done.


	31. Chapter 31

**[This entry looks different from the rest. The writing overlaps oddly, with messy script, as if the author wasn’t looking at the page.]**

I have lost my vision, and now lost hope of recovery. They said it might get better, but I don’t believe it will.As of now I can only faintly make out the blurs of light and shadow.SoI write this now as a conclusion, knowing somebody after me will need it.One day I shall entrust it to my dearest [Name], who has never left my side. She deserves to know most of all my history+the thoughts I selfishly kept to myself.That day only comes when all our work is done, and there is much to see throughF.

or now I am thankful to have her to lead me, and care for me

**[There looks to be something addressed as a letter rather than a journal entry.]**

To [Name], my love:I am sorry. But hear my heart- there is nothing you could have done forme. There is no power on this planet that can heal me.I hate to hear you cry for me, to pity me. Your love is what heals me&eases me in the darkness.The only thing I could ever ask of you is to continue smiling. I wish I could have seen it a last time. I love you dearly, now more than ever, so much so it pains me. Thank you for everything .

Ignis Scientia

**[There are no further entries in the final pages.]**

**Author's Note:**

> deltachye.tumblr.com


End file.
